Always treat people with love and respect.Always treat people with love and respect.Always treat people with love and respect.

The Art of Being Loved

Alma Mahler, one of the very few magical women who exist, who did travelling character with life full of passion for an instant the stirrups of her glorious knights.

• Who am I?
• Why am I here?
  
• What is life?
  
• What do I want?
  
• What gets in my way?

First Order Ego States Map

The three primary Ego-States of TA are the Parent Ego-State, The Adult Ego-State, and the Child Ego-State. 

The Parent Ego State (aka, neural network), contains the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors "taken in" from external sources - primarily parents.
Outwardly, the Parent is often expressed towards others in prejudicial, critical, or nurturing behavior -- from Second Position. Inwardly, it's experienced as old parental messages which continue to influence the inner Child...some good messages and some limiting to the person.
The Adult Ego State is not related to a person's age... It's oriented in the present and can be comparable to a computer in that it's in charge of executive functioning -- i.e., decision-making, problem-solving, etc.
The Adult is organized, adaptable, intelligent, and functions by testing reality, estimating probabilities, and computing dispassionately - from Third Position.
The Child ego state contains all the impulses that come naturally to a child... the Child is creative, adventuresome, spontaneous, curious, affectionate and so on.
The Child loves to giggle, laugh, have fun and enjoy the simple things in life. It can also be a "brat" or "whine" when it doesn't get it's way. The Child lives in First Position and is the network that contains our feelings, wants, and needs.

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Second Order Ego States Map

The P2, A2, and C2 in Second Order Structural Analysis are the ideal healthy representations of the Parent, Adult, and Child in the fully developed and well-adjusted adult.
The healthy Parent-in-the-adult (P2) is "all-about-the-child", they nurture and protect the children. This is strictly a healthy use of Second Position by the ideal parent.
The healthy Adult-in-the-adult (A2) is wise, mature, makes good decisions by consulting the other states and generally acts on behalf of the whole person whenever executive functions must be carried out. Healthy use ofThird Position.
The healthy Child-in-the-adult (C2) is the ideal representation of a well-adjusted Child ES... a non-wounded Child with no issues from the past... The healthy use of First Position.
P1 = Parent-in-the-child or the Adapted Child
A1 = Adult-in-the-child or the Little Professor
C1 = Child-in-the-child or the Natural Child

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Third Order Ego States Map...

The Child ES - specifically the Adapted Child - is the network location of the accumulated trauma. Here we have ego-states... embedded in ego states... embedded in ego states.
The Critical Parent Ego State map contains all the critical parental messages given to the child. The younger a child is, the more receptive they are to these messages...referred to as Injunctions in TA language.
The Angry/Defiant Child is the neural network for the eight to twelve year-old part of us that contains all the thoughts, feelings, attitudes and coping style of that time in our lives.
The Vulnerable Child is the Ego State map of the one to seven year-old part of us that carries all the woundedness, trauma and fear of abandonment from our childhood.

There are three basic types of communication; assertive, non-assertive, and aggressive. At the core of being aggressive, is the assumption that “I’m ok and you’re not.” People who use an aggressive communication style are often perceived as judgmental, domineering, place “shoulds” on other people, and are critical of others behavior. Nonverbal communication seen when being aggressive includes: standing with arms crossed, breaking personal space boundaries, eye-rolling, and looking disinterested when others are sharing their needs. An aggressive person is usually called a bully, arrogant, bossy, or a “know it all.” If you get into someone’s face screaming orders, your demands are going to be met. But at what cost? There are some consequences to being aggressive all the time, such as: alienating those closest to you, hurting people’s feelings, and feeling guilty afterward. However, being the aggressor can be valuable in some situations. The payoffs include feeling superior over others, getting your needs met quickly, and getting a reaction out of people. Communicating aggressively is a pattern that is learned over time. It stems from feeling stuck in a dynamic where people are not listening to you or respecting your needs and opinions. Aggression will become the dominant mode of communication when the communicator starts to feel listened to, powerful, and superior. While communicating aggressively is valuable in the short-term; long-term effects may be detrimental as you are teaching others around you to fear you, or to become non-assertive or passive.

Non-assertive communication is the opposite of aggressive communicating. People who communicate non-assertively are telling others “You’re ok and I’m not.” Non-assertive communicators often feel like a “martyr,” want to be accepted, need to be liked, an always allow others to choose for them. Layman’s terms include wimpy, coward, doormat, passive, and timid. Non-verbal communication associated with being non-assertive includes looking down or away, using a quiet tone, remaining silent, physically moving away from a confrontation, and showing nervousness with tics, sweating, shaking, and facial expressions. Being the complete opposite of an aggressive communicator, non-assertive communication actually sounds beneficial. Especially since the payoffs include not making anyone mad, not making waves, feeling safe, and avoiding conflict. However, constantly using non-assertive communication has consequences; such as: a build up of tension and anger that will spew out in passive aggressive behaviors, teaching others to de-value your role within relationships, and resentment at others for “not getting you.” Never asserting a need can lead you to feel angry or resentful and leave others feeling confused because they don’t know what you’re thinking.

There is a classic relationship dynamic that comes with constantly using non-assertive and/or aggressive communication styles. In this dynamic, one person becomes the aggressor and one person becomes the non-aggressor. A typical interaction would look like the aggressor pushing for his or her way all the time and the non-assertive partner giving in at the time, then “getting back” at the aggressor in a withholding or sneaky manner. Many people in the aggressor role of this dynamic will complain that it is “impossible” to break the cycle and begin using assertive communication. They might feel that if they try to assert anything at all, the other person will see it as aggressive communication continue to pull away. The passive partner in the dynamic may also feel like it is impossible to change the communication; stating that when they do try to assert a need, the aggressive partner dismisses it immediately or becomes angry at them for challenging the norm. Non-assertive partners usually say they feel it’s easier to just give in and continue to remain passive to prevent confrontation. Therefore, the cycle continues where the more one person asserts, the more passive the other becomes. How can this be broken?

In American culture, assertive communication is considered to be the healthiest form. Note: this is not the case in all cultures; some cultures do place higher value on using the other forms of communicating. Also inherent to that concept, everyone would express themselves assertively and be receptive to feedback with an assertive attitude. Sadly, we don’t live in an ideal world, but being assertive is still highly recommended. The key point of assertive communication is that “I’m ok AND you’re ok.” Assertive communicators try their best to be sincere, honest, tactful, nonjudgmental, and supportive. People who are assertive are usually called classy, poised, good natured, and mature. When communicating assertively, look someone in the eye, stand tall but comfortably, be open and respectful of personal space boundaries, and use “I feel… or I think…” statements. Using assertive communication is preferred to the other forms, because it allows for discourse rather than just disagreement. Communicating assertively lets other people know what your needs are but gives them the option to choose to meet those needs in a way that feels comfortable for them too. Even though it may feel like it’s a wasted exercise because “the other person will never change,” using assertive communication will still provide benefits. You will feel more self confidence, freedom within your relationships, acceptance of others’ needs, and acceptance of yourself and your right to get your needs met.

While developing your own version of assertive communication, you might want to experiment with the other types of communication. Try using a passive attitude when you would normally be aggressive. Or be aggressive when you typically wouldn’t speak up. You may come to the conclusion that while assertive communication works best overall, but in some situations, using the other styles will make you better off. Lastly, it’s important to know that while you may be changing your style, you can’t change the other person or their modes of communicating. However, if you start using assertive communication, others will mirror your technique. You might just be able to pull that passive partner out of their shell and get a strong reaction. Or you can diffuse an aggressive partner so you can share ideas. As you’re asserting your needs, remember that you’re doing it for yourself, not the other person.

The story about honesty wasnt true

we have to be careful about the stories we tell and the stories we believe, because stories have great power and can form lasting impressions, some of which simply arent true

what story about yourself do you tell?






neversmartenoughsoonenough

MEREDITH: "To be a good surgeon you have to think like a surgeon. Emotions are messy. Tuck them neatly away and step into a clean sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture, and close. But sometimes you’re faced with a cut that won’t heal. A cut that rips its stitches wide open. They say that practice makes perfect."

CHAPTER IV. CULTURE AND SOCIETYHow To Be Polite

Yes, Virginia, civilization did end. But in case it comes back, we don’t want to be left out, do we? In the meantime, behaving with style and aplomb will both impress those we want as friends and frighten our enemies. Exemplary behavior will make sure the welcome mat is always out when we visit and that the answering machine won’t pick up when we call. Here are a few basic considerations on behavior in an anything-goes world.

Always acknowledge the people you know. Success in society—or what passes for it—only comes to those with good communication skills. Some people have the terrible habit of gravitating only to those they perceive as their betters—I’m sure you know people who say “hi” to you when there are ten people in the room but ignore you when there are fifty. You should greet people you know even when you can’t remember their name. This is a democracy and even if they aren’t in a position to give you money, they may have a chance to get back at you. Nice up! If you can’t remember her name, just tell her how fabulous she looks and that will give you time to figure it out.

Don’t automatically introduce people. Unless sure it’s a good idea, don’t. Everyone doesn’t have to know everyone. Some people already hate one another without your knowledge or help.

Don’t hide your mistakes; they may be the best part of your resume. Since the mid-eighties, we have lived in a culture of recovery. I think it’s something we picked up from the space program. By the nineties, chic twelve-step meetings surpassed the country club and the VIP room as the place to shine. Everyone has a few skeletons in the closet. They make your profile spicier and provide real contrast: “Oh, he’s wonderful now. He used to be such a mess.” If you were awful enough you might even get a book out of it. But learn from Oprah. Slug it “fiction.”

Don’t flaunt your wealth. Obviousness is so obvious. Let others figure out just how rich you are and they’ll enjoy you so much more. If you keep reminding them of your success, they may soon tire of you. When it comes to costs—don’t ask, don’t tell. Fortunately we live in a clever age where it’s possible to find clothes that look like poor people’s clothes. No one will mug you on the street, but those in the know will recognize that those torn, abraded, and perfectly soiled jeans have a four-figure price tag. There is nothing morally wrong with a Maybach, but you will get more mileage with a Prius. All the really rich people are driving them and they position you as an idealist who can afford to be. Subtle cheapness is the sign of real wealth.

Be cool with the help. Nothing is more of a turnoff than someone who is rude to waiters, hotel housekeeping, drivers, salespeople, and the like. I once dropped a former Miss Universe contestant for being snotty to waiters. I remember after a recent economic downturn, seeing a former investment whiz selling suits in a well-known store. He should have been nicer when he was on top. That old one about being nice to people on the way up because you’ll meet them on the way down…what if it’s true? And who do you think plants all those gossip-page items about egoists behaving badly?

Spread gossip selectively. If you want to get good stuff, you have to be as discreet as a secret society. If you say you won’t tell, don’t. Test people by telling them and only them a story, possibly fictional, and swear them to secrecy. Then see if it gets back to you.

Wait until they mention it. Reserve commenting on their pregnancy, face-lift, or liposuction before they bring it up. Sometimes the light plays tricks on us. Same thing with the divorce, or the lawsuit. Sometimes our information is wrong. Never take sides in a divorce until it is final. And even then don’t.

In the event that name-dropping is required, do it right. Use the last name too and you won’t sound quite so ridiculous. Quentin, Jude, Jack, Kirsten, Gwyneth…don’t make me guess. You’re enough work already.

Don’t tell people they are dressed wrong. You might think you are helping someone who is a mess, and maybe you are, but at the risk of being hated. Think of it this way: dressed as they are now, they make you look even better. Without the tacky, the unsightly, and the fashion victimized, there would be no best-dressed list.

Always say thank you. Say it even when you’re not grateful. Even when you’re angry. You’ll get them thinking and worrying: “Was he serious? Have I gone too far this time? What’s he up to?” Kill them with cordiality. Write notes. Send e-mails. Put “thank you” down on paper. But be careful about “I love you.” Magnanimity is rare and magnificent. Thank you for reading this.

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Praise for Glenn O’Brien and How To Be a Man

Glenn O’Brien is smart and funny. You can laugh and learn something at the same time. If more men read Glenn, women wouldn’t have so much explaining to do. —Kate Moss

How to Be a Man? After touring with bands for almost 100 years, I really don’t want to be one. But if anyone could convince me, it would be Glenn and this book. —Debbie Harry

How to Be a Man is a brilliant guide for the modern gentleman. Funny, informative, and written with great style and wit. My only disappointment is I wish I could claim that I had written it myself! —Tom Ford

Doctors Admit to Unprofessional Behavior in Study at 3 Chicago Hospitals

June 13, 2012 — Working in a real hospital isn’t usually as dramatic as is portrayed in TV shows like Grey’s Anatomy or House, MD, but a new study has identified unprofessional behaviors to which hospital-based doctors most frequently admit, including badmouthing fellow doctors and finding medical excuses to get out of having to care for patients.

Two-thirds of doctors surveyed at three Chicago hospitals copped to having personal conversations, such as discussing evening plans, in earshot of patients, and 62 percent said they had mischaracterized a routine test as “urgent” to get it done faster. Four out of 10 said they mocked another physician to colleagues. The same number said they bad-mouthed emergency room doctors for missing part of a patient’s medical problems.

Three out of 10 said they made disparaging comments about a patient on rounds. Twenty-nine percent said they had attended a dinner or social event sponsored by a drug or medical device manufacturer or other business that stood to gain by a doctor’s decision.

The study, published in the Journal of Hospital Medicine, was based on the responses of 77 hospital-based doctors–known as hospitalists–from the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine, Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and NorthShore University HealthSystem.

Some of the unprofessional behaviors involved dumping work on someone else.  According to the study, 9  percent admitted that they had transferred a patient they could have taken care of to another in order to reduce their patient load. This practice is known as turfing, and 12 percent of physicians admitted they had “celebrated” a successful turf. Eight percent of doctors said they had blocked a patient, which means they refused to accept the patient into their unit by claiming the patient should be cared for in another part of the hospital. Twenty-one percent acknowledged celebrating a blocked admission.

The study noted that “participation in egregious behaviors, such as falsifying patient records (6.49%) and performing medical or surgical procedures on a patient beyond self-perceived level of skill (2.60%), was very low.” But more hospitalists reported seeing another doctor act unprofessionally than admitted they did so themselves. For instance, 68 percent said they had witnessed another doctor “blocking” a patient–eight times as many who admitted doing the blocking. And almost 20 percent of doctors said they had observed a patient being discharged before they were ready to go home, while only 2.6 percent admitted to doing that.

Dr.Vineet Arora, one of the authors of the study, said observations of unprofessional behavior can be wrong because doctors don’t “know the full context of the story” or because more than one doctor can report seeing the same incident, inflating the number. She said the study focused on rates of unprofessional actions that doctors admitted participating in, because those are more persuasive to the officials who put together trainings on professionalism for doctors and residents.

“The goal is to figure out what types of behaviors people are not in touch with, that come across as unprofessional,” she said. She said that since doctors may not admit to bad actions even in an anonymous survey, the real rates of some of the unprofessional actions may be somewhere between the number doctors admitted to doing and the number they claim they observed.

Medscape.com

When she was good

THERE were many different sides to Susan Sontag. There was the razor-sharp intellectual who made her name with the works “Against Interpretation”, “Illness as a Metaphor” and “On Photography”. There was the novelist, whose dense, melancholy, historical novels never got the attention she aspired to. She was also an ardent and outspoken campaigner for the citizens of Sarajevo during the war in Bosnia. For a time, she was even a theatre director there, putting on Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot” in a building with no electricity, which was mainly waiting to be bombed. She was a documentary film-maker, briefly a philosophy lecturer and a frequently published critic of American foreign policy.
 
Since her death in 2004, Susan Sontag's multitudes have been selectively remembered. Often criticised for being too serious, her more playful ideas—which found a home in essays such as “Notes on ‘Camp’”—have been overlooked. She has been fondly remembered in essays and memoirs, including Sigrid Nunez’s “Sempre Susan” (reviewed by The Economist here). But these days when her name returns to the literary headlines it is often for the wrong reasons—such as the public spats between her son, David Rieff, and Annie Liebovitz, a photographer and Sontag’s lover in the final years of her life. Her momentarily rash remarks after 9/11 did not endear her to many Americans who were feeling raw after the attacks, and have tended to overshadow discussions of her work. 
 
But with the recent publication of the second volume of her diaries, another side of Sontag comes in to view. Covering 1964-1980, “As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh” traces the years in which she started to write properly, when she was living in Paris and New York and visited North Korea, and when she began her life-long battle with breast cancer. 
 
The Sontag that appears here is, at times, very different from the strident academic who polarises public opinion. She is anxious, self-deprecating and frequently heartbroken. She reprimands herself, “Buy records, read, do some work. I’ve been very lazy”, or suddenly wonders, aged 32, “Have I done all the living I’m going to do?” She complains of being photographed, and worries that “I smile too much” or that “I’m unattractive, unloveable.” During a series of torturous love affairs—with Irene, Carlotta, and Nicole—she writes both to console herself and in the knowledge that some of these lovers will snoop into her diary to see what she’s written. (“Does she get a kick out of my groveling in the last two years?”) As in the earlier volume of diaries, “Reborn”, in which Sontag wrote reminders to herself to wash, this collection brings a more fragile, neurotic side into view.
 
And yet there is still much of the academic who did not suffer fools—or “Modernist-nihilist-wise-guy-bullshit”—gladly. Her lengthy analyses of her relationships are broken up with quotations from Wittgenstein, or counterpoised by reported conversations with Jasper Johns and Joseph Brodsky (both also briefly lovers of hers, but less complicated ones). With a certain breathlessness, she approaches her work and her private life with the same intensity which makes her declare “I want the encounter with a person or a work of art to change everything.” 
 
She writes dozens of obsessive lists—on rhyming cockney slang, her body type, the German romantics, places to see, “novels about erotic obsession”, “qualities that turn me on”, Czech movies, “things I like / dislike” and, when in North Korea, on “anti-personnel weapons”—each a reminder of her voraciously catholic interests. She works, or reads theNew York Times (“my lover”), until 3am, and when she feels alone, writes in her diary: “I can’t talk to myself, but I can write to myself.” As she undergoes cancer treatment, she writes just as often, if not more. She declares, with only a slight tremor, “I want to be one of the survivors.”
 
Over the course of the diary, a picture of a complicated, brilliant person emerges. A little like her criticism, her diary entries combine her interests with bright, aphoristic turns of phrase. But unlike her work, these entries—especially as they are edited slightly sloppily by Mr Rieff—tell only half the story. They are often cut off, ellipses evocatively suggesting what else she might have written. 
 
In a way, this is appropriate. In 1967 Sontag wrote “Works of art have a certain pathos—poignancy.” She went on to try and explain this pathos: “Their veiled, mysterious, partly (and forever) inaccessible aspect? The fact that no one would (could?) ever do that again?” At a time when discussions of Sontag tend to revolve around her private life, or a miscalibrated political statement, these diaries are a reminder of the value of the work that made her great, and also mysterious—“partly (and forever)” escaping from view.

Unloveable, emotional abuse

A very special friend of mine sent me this to yesterday.  And with special permission he is allowing me to share this with my readers. It is an exert from a book he is beginning to write.  He would love any comments you have. 

Ladies, remember that men do have feelings too!  This is an extreme case of emotional abuse that could happen to anyone, but it rarely happens to men.  I felt very strongly about sharing this with my readers.  Thank you Sean for allowing me to share your pain, your life, your story and most of all your love and friendship.  Your are now on the road to healing and a greater life ahead!

Please enjoy:

After one failed marriage and numerous dates and one night stands I have come to realize that some people are simply unloveable.  If you are like me, you are in search of that lasting love that ends your long painful search for true happiness.

Unloveable,  It seems impossible until you fall head over heals in love with somebody that has no ability to love back.  Often you find yourself crying over the fact that you cannot reach them.  You spend your days thinking of ways to break down this invisible fortress that stands between you. 

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Why can’t they love me back?  Why can’t they see how much I love them.  Often times this invisible fortress hides a monster.   It serves as an excuse for abusing you, for cheating on you, for alcohol or drug abuse.  Usually it is the shy, socially awkward, bruised and battered that find themselves renewing their pain daily seeking the love of somebody that has no ability to love back.

It isn’t until you experience true love that you see how blind you are when you are spending all of your energy trying to just simply get them to, “love you back.” 

I know your pain.  I recently left a relationship of seven years.  At the end of the relationship I was ready to move into my car just to get away from the daily torture.  How exactly did I stay in a loveless relationship for so long.  I ask myself this question every day.  Seven years went by and I accomplished nothing but growing older, feeling worthless, and apologizing for being me.  I understand now what women go through.  It seems that the few moments, or the one day that there aren’t issues, give you hope.

Looking back, I believe that I was so battered, so bruised, my confidence was almost non-existent.   I simply found that any day that I was not mistreated, yelled at, belittled or hated was a great day.  It gave me hope.  It seemed that things might get better. 

I feared leaving.  How would I leave? Where would I go?  I gave every dollar I ever earned up.  I would walk away with nothing.  All of my friends were slowly shewed away over the course of the first year.  It seemed rather hopeless.  It seemed as if I had nowhere to turn, no money, no direction.  I only knew that I wanted, “ME” back.  I wanted the person I was before the relationship.  I wanted to smile again.  I wanted to have friends.  I wanted to go through my day without feeling like I was going insane.  I wanted to look in the mirror and see something other than this empty shell of the person I had become.

I am going to tell you my story.  I promise there is a happy ending.  I wrote this for you.  I share my story with you, not as a victim of violence but as a victim of something far more devious.  What I experienced is the prerequisite for a physically abusive relationship.  It is what happens to people before the physical abuse starts.  Some abusers have enough self control not to physically abuse you.  Instead you end up with no self confidence, no will to live, no hope for the future, no goals, friends, family or faith.

I am here to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  There is a way out.  If you lose everything today to escape, is your happiness worth it?  Is there somebody out there that builds you up, loves you, thinks you are the greatest person ever?  The answer is YES, YES, YES!

Over the course of this book I am going to give you my sob story.  I know you talk to friends about how bad things are yet do nothing about it.  It is scary.  It is lonely.  And it is your right to be happy.

I will also say this.  If you are the one hurting, degrading, causing pain, belittling the person you are supposed to love.  STOP IT, TODAY.  Just think about how much that person will love you and care for you if you care enough about them to STOP YOUR ABUSIVE WAYS.  They will love you ten fold the energy it took you to fix yourself.  Stop the cheating, lying, anger, and the hurtful things you say. 

Don’t tell them you are going to make changes.  Just do it.   Spend today and look into your heart and say today is the day when I am going to stop being angry at myself, and the world, and I am going to learn to be happy again.  Forgive yourself, forgive others, forgive, forgive, forgive.  And stop torturing yourself over things that may have happened in the past.  Today, you have control.  Today, you can change your life.

I promised you a happy ending.  It is the ending that you will truly gain wisdom from, not my pain and misery.  The end of my story is the beginning of your new life and the beginning of my new future.

examiner.com